I’ve always said that I don’t do regret. For the most part, that’s true. I’m not about regretting the things I’ve done in life, or the choices I’ve made. Sure, hindsight is definitely 20/20, and I can thinkof tons of things that I could’ve done differently, perhaps even better. But the choices I’ve made all bring me to now, and most importantly, the person I am, and that’s something I wouldn’t trade. Besides, none of the choices I’ve made were cataclysmic. I’m still alive and have avoided prison…hell, I’ve never been arrested. I’m doing pretty darn good.
However, as of late, I’ve begun thinking about my exes. Now, I’m a pretty average dude. I, however, have had the opportunity to date some pretty awesome women in my day. Some of them were not so awesome, but some of them were amazing people, and I’m proud to say that many of them are still friends.
So, you may ask, well what happened? Well, a variety of things. I was young. I wasn’t looking for something serious. Not “marriage” serious…hell, not even engagement serious…not even “let’s live in sin” serious. I remember being 25 when my views on relationships began to change, evolve, and I became more comfortable with the idea of being in a committed relationship that could evolve and develop into whatever.
Perhaps it’s because I’ve been single for a while, but I’ve been having thoughts of some of the aforementioned women. Today, my mind slipped back to Candi. Candi was a girl I dated in college.
We had a class together. I couldn’t tell you what class it was, my memory is generally horrible. But I remember from the beginning of the class, she caught my eye.
She had long brown hair, that she always wore in a long pony tail. I can actually still remember the first time I saw her with her hair down, which was the first time we spent he night together. She was thin, average height, with a gorgeous, caramel complexion…that made me think initially that perhaps she had a Hispanic ethnic background. But I thought she was so delicious, and would often find myself stealing glances, or outright staring at her during class. After a while, I started finding ways to talk to her. I suppose it started with hellos and goodbyes. One afternoon I’m pretty sure I asked her if I could walk with her to her next class. That old school progression to a relationship. I do remember our first date. Now, from first talking to her to actually getting her to go out with me, we’re talking months. I was really interested In her, and getting to know her.
We both lived in the dorms. I wanted to come up with something special for our date. So, I cooked her dinner. I can’t recall what made, but I do remember baking brownies for dessert. I also remember taking a table into my room, and putting candles on it, and stealing 2 chairs from the common room. We had our own 5 star restaurant in the dorms.
From there, our friendship bloomed into a relationship. Candi was amazing, Intelligent, thoughtful, funny, playful, beautiful. Even so many years later, I can remember the intimacy being breathtaking. She even had an awesome family. So, what happened?
Well, I can’t for the life of me remember specifics. I’m going to take a leap and guess it was some variation of me being a dickhead. I did that a lot in my younger years.
And Candi wasn’t the only one…that I was a dickhead to that is. There was Kelly, and Katharina, and Josie, and Sarah, and Carly…the list goes on and on.
I don’t regret it all. Life is as it should be. I hope they all went on to lead wonderful lives, and each one of them left something upon me that helped turn me into the person I am today, and I think this person is pretty good…rarely dickheadish…a pretty decent guy.
But, I think it’s healthy sometimes to look back and think what if…what could have been…where would I be now. I suppose ultimately, it helps me to appreciate where I am, and look forward to what is to come.