My mind is in a spin today. Some days it’s relatively calm, and some days it just churns…spinning and spinning.
A week or so ago I was having a conversation with a dear friend of mine. She visited me a year ago. We were talking about the visit, and I really couldn’t recall much of it. Apparently we went to a Teavana, and I was charming the knickers off the women who worked there, and when I stepped away for a moment, the young ladies told my friend that I seemed like an amazing guy, and that she better hold on to me…blah, blah, blah. I don’t recall any of this. Even in retrospect…nothing.
“You know that’s a symptom of PTSD right?”
That statement is sobering. I now that I’m definitely different post deployment…but how different is always a question. I also took some bumps to the head. I would eventually like to have a brain scan (CAT, MRI…what’s the difference?) to make sure that everything is in proper working order.
But that is on my mind because I specifically had a memory pop into my head from 6th grade. Out of the blue. I remember a word on the radio triggering it, but yeah…I remembered being a crossing guard. I went to Thomas Brennan Elementary in Roseland. It no longer exists.
But I remember how honored I was to be a crossing guard. In reality, it was a pretty crappy and thankless job. Your mission was to make sure no kids (particularly kindergarteners) got creamed by a car. I never had any casualties, so I suppose I did my job well. But, you often got hassled by the “cool kids” ( a nice way of saying assholes) and crackheads, who were much more likely to get hit than the kids. You did however get an awesome yellow reflective belt that was confusing as hell to put on.
And the reward…well, you got a certificate. No biggie. But in the winter, you got HOT CHOCOLATE!). And I remember how gleefully we would go into the teachers lounge, and get our cup, or two, of Swiss MIss hot chocolate. We would watch the steam rise off it, stir in our marshmallows, and savor it as it slid down our throats.
Talk about appreciating the small things in life.
Also on my mind is monogamy. It is kind of scary to say, but I’m not sure how much I value “perfectly executed, strict life-long monogamy over the multi-decade course of a relationship”. I know that’s considered the norm, but I’ve always maintained that monogamy is weird. It’s always struck me as weird. I love the idea of marriage….of having a life-long partner…someone to enjoy and explore the remainder of my life. I’ve always functioned, for the most part, in strictly monogamous relationships. I know I can do it. But I feel like, in reality, I’m putting a small piece of my sexuality in the closet in that situation. I think what pains me most about the idea is that there are some amazing women I know or crush on, who are fabulous, and I would love to perhaps someday be involved with, who are strictly monogamous. Hmm….I don’t necessarily desire an “open-marriage” or swinging….not sure if those are quite my style either…but an occasional “discreet” affair perhaps, or a little “open” playtime in the course of a “mostly monogamous” relationship okay?
Politics are on my mind, but I really don’t want to talk about that stuff. It’s depressing.
Well, I hope everyone has a wonderful day, and weekend.
Also, the official song of this day…and hell, lets just go ahead and make it the weekend, is “Never Can Say Goodbye” by the Jackson 5.