Music is such a powerful thing. I firmly believe that it is the closest thing we have to a time machine in our world. If you don’t know what I mean, listen to a song that holds some special meaning, and it can immediately take you back to a certain place and time. If you close your eyes, I bet you that you can see things so clearly…music can take us back…make us feel young again…remind us of better, and worse, times.
Music is powerful because it is a casting of emotions, bundled together. And I’ve said it many times before, but there is a distinct feeling, pleasurable to some degree I suppose, when a song hits on exactly the way you feel at a certain point in time.
Perhaps it’s because it reminds you that you’re not alone…that someone else, at some point, felt exactly what you feel now. In this big crazy world, I suppose there is solace to be found when you know, quantifiably know that you’re not alone. Sometimes, that’s huge.
This song definitely mirrors how I feel today. I’ve been feeling very detached as of late. Detached, with an undercurrent of anger…latent anger.
I always get blue during the holidays. I often find myself spending the holidays alone…or an Xth wheel in a group of revelers. Never quite fitting in. It’s hard to fit in. I’m not unique in any discernible way…but my mind, it just is its own entity. It carries heavy burdens in some ways.
And I suppose more than anything, I’m disappointed in how 2015 turned out. It just wasn’t my year on many fronts. That’s ok. That, I’m used to. I have a lot, and I can’t be upset about much. I have food to eat, a roof over my head. As Baloo would say, I have the bare necessities of life.
But sometimes, I suppose it is fair if the mind and heart long for more…and if they grow weary. I think that’s how I feel right now, weary. I’m often really good at self-regulating. I’m usually able to keep my cup full. But, the past few weeks, I’ve just felt a little depleted, a little lonely, a little disappointed in myself. It’s like even when I sleep, I don’t ever really feel recharged, I just feel like auto-pilot is back in session and off I go.
I’m hoping it’s a phase. I’ve made some decisions on courses of action I’m hoping to take soon that will hopefully have a positive impact on both my mental and physical well being. Beyond that, I’m just going with the flow, and reflecting so that my cup doesn’t get too depleted.
But yeah, right now, I just kind of feel like the above song says,
Imprisoned inside this mind
Hiding behind the empty smiles
So simple (the anguish)
As It mocks me
Crawling back into the dark
That’s deep. And thus, you fall, into the arms of sorrow…blindly descending…into the arms of sorrow.
Nothing that a good nights sleep can’t fix I tell myself.
Nothing that the new year won’t fix I tell myself.
Nothing that won’t brighten in the sun…I tell myself.