My love life in pictures…

Some time ago, I saw a pic, and it kind of depressed me, because it reminded me of some of the thoughts I have from time to time concerning dating…

photo (1)

…sometimes, if you’re not careful, you can start to get down with the disappointments of dating, and you can easily slip into a “what’s wrong with me?” mentality…that even happens to me sometime, and I think I’m freaking awesome.  I actually think there’s something wrong with any woman who doesn’t see how fabulous I am, but to each their own…and then I saw a pic that simply reaffirmed the things that I already know…

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…and now all is right with the world…and yes, I’m still awesome!

The Ones Who Got Away

I’ve always said that I don’t do regret. For the most part, that’s true. I’m not about regretting the things I’ve done in life, or the choices I’ve made. Sure, hindsight is definitely 20/20, and I can thinkof tons of things that I could’ve done differently, perhaps even better. But the choices I’ve made all bring me to now, and most importantly, the person I am, and that’s something I wouldn’t trade. Besides, none of the choices I’ve made were cataclysmic. I’m still alive and have avoided prison…hell, I’ve never been arrested. I’m doing pretty darn good.

However, as of late, I’ve begun thinking about my exes. Now, I’m a pretty average dude. I, however, have had the opportunity to date some pretty awesome women in my day. Some of them were not so awesome, but some of them were amazing people, and I’m proud to say that many of them are still friends.

So, you may ask, well what happened? Well, a variety of things. I was young. I wasn’t looking for something serious. Not “marriage” serious…hell, not even engagement serious…not even “let’s live in sin” serious. I remember being 25 when my views on relationships began to change, evolve, and I became more comfortable with the idea of being in a committed relationship that could evolve and develop into whatever.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve been single for a while, but I’ve been having thoughts of some of the aforementioned women. Today, my mind slipped back to Candi. Candi was a girl I dated in college.

We had a class together. I couldn’t tell you what class it was, my memory is generally horrible. But I remember from the beginning of the class, she caught my eye.

She had long brown hair, that she always wore in a long pony tail. I can actually still remember the first time I saw her with her hair down, which was the first time we spent he night together. She was thin, average height, with a gorgeous, caramel complexion…that made me think initially that perhaps she had a Hispanic ethnic background. But I thought she was so delicious, and would often find myself stealing glances, or outright staring at her during class. After a while, I started finding ways to talk to her. I suppose it started with hellos and goodbyes. One afternoon I’m pretty sure I asked her if I could walk with her to her next class. That old school progression to a relationship. I do remember our first date. Now, from first talking to her to actually getting her to go out with me, we’re talking months. I was really interested In her, and getting to know her.

We both lived in the dorms. I wanted to come up with something special for our date. So, I cooked her dinner. I can’t recall what made, but I do remember baking brownies for dessert. I also remember taking a table into my room, and putting candles on it, and stealing 2 chairs from the common room. We had our own 5 star restaurant in the dorms.

From there, our friendship bloomed into a relationship. Candi was amazing, Intelligent, thoughtful, funny, playful, beautiful. Even so many years later, I can remember the intimacy being breathtaking. She even had an awesome family.  So, what happened?

Well, I can’t for the life of me remember specifics. I’m going to take a leap and guess it was some variation of me being a dickhead. I did that a lot in my younger years.

And Candi wasn’t the only one…that I was a dickhead to that is. There was Kelly, and Katharina, and Josie, and Sarah, and Carly…the list goes on and on.

I don’t regret it all. Life is as it should be. I hope they all went on to lead wonderful lives, and each one of them left something upon me that helped turn me into the person I am today, and I think this person is pretty good…rarely dickheadish…a pretty decent guy.

But, I think it’s healthy sometimes to look back and think what if…what could have been…where would I be now. I suppose ultimately, it helps me to appreciate where I am, and look forward to what is to come.

Dear Dream Reader…

So my assignment, which I’m late in completing, is to publish a post to my dream reader.

I find this to be a daunting task, as I’ve never had a “dream reader” in mind. I have certainly had posts that were directed at one person or another, but never really gave much thought as to who my ideal reader would be. My blog is so varied, I don’t think I could nail one down. It’s a reflection of my life, which is up and down, topsy turvy, and fast-paced.

However, as I thought more about it I suppose dating, and my search for “love” is a recurring theme in my blog.

So, I suppose this post will be in that vein. To that young lady, who would dare take a chance on a guy like me. Allow me to offer a few clarifications on who I am, what I want, and what’s going on in my mind.

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First and foremost, I am a romantic.  I love romance. flowers, candles, handholding, kissing, cuddling… I love all of that stuff. Let’s stay in on a Friday night, cuddling under a huge blanket, watching a movie and sipping cocoa. Let me read to you, as you lie your head on my chest, and I play with your hair. Don’t be shocked if you wake up some mornings and find me watching you sleep. I imagine you look peaceful, and serene, and occasionally I went to take that in, and appreciate that beautify and serenity as a perfect counterpoint that the world presents to us everyday.

My-Best-Friend

I want us to be teammates, and best friends, as well as lovers. I think a key part of that is honesty and communication. I  want to be able to tell you anything and everything, and you do the same. I find in so many relationships, both mine and others, there’s so many secrets kept. Let’s not have any. Share your thoughts, hopes, dreams, worries and frustrations with me, and I will try hard to do the same. You have a crush on a sexy new guy at work? That’s cool. Come home and tell me all about it.  I’ll do the same when I develop a crush on someone at work.  Then we can use that fire, excitement, and tension to make our relationship hotter, which brings me to my next point…

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…I love sex… and you should too. I’m extremely comfortable in my sexuality, and yes, you should be too.  I’m extremely heterosexual, but I’m open to you exploring whatever it is that you feel you need to explore. I personally think that monogamy is an unnatural impulse at the least, and a time bomb waiting to happen at the most, but I have no problem being in a monogamous relationship, especially if it is for you.

You aren’t my first love. I have had several in my life before you came along, and I don’t want to have to lie to you about that either. I’d love to share some of those stories with you. I’d love to hear yours too. I wanna tell you about the women who broke my heart, as well as the lessons they taught me. All of those stories will have brought me to you.

I have tons of weaknesses. I have strange insecurities sometimes. I have quirks. I think life should be lived for joy, and passion, and not for money and security, so sometimes that brings a tumultuous nature to my life, and yes, sometimes I may need you to be a voice of reason and grounding, but sometimes I want you to push me…to live…to find my joy, and I want to share all of that with you.  I want us to push each other, to be better people, in all facets of life.

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Finally, you have to enter into this relationship knowing that I have a mistress, and her name is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  She is beautiful and exciting, and she does many of the same things for me that you do. I’d love for us to all get together for a 3-way, but if you’ re not interested, know that I will give you both equal time.

And in a nutshell… that’s me. That’s us.

And to end this aimless diatribe, let me share two songs that I’d like us to dance to together sometime. Enjoy!
~ D

The Death of the Nice Guy

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1536229813255619
Courtesy of Epic Videos

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find the above video on Youtube, so I included a link to the video on Facebook, which you all may or may not be able to view. So, allow me to offer you a brief synopsis:

A female Applebee’s employee with an attractive physical form (her face is blocked by a black bar) is outside her place of employment handing out coupons for a drink special they are having. A guy, modestly dressed, definitely a bit geeky, approaches her. He appears to be nice, intelligent (mentions a fact about the heat that he read in the days paper), and respectful. He compliments her and asks her if he can have her phone number. The next thing you hear is the resounding thud as he is shot out of the sky after several attempts, even offering just to take her out as friends.

So, up comes another guy, nowhere near as smartly dressed, and starts off the conversation with

“Yo, what’s good ma?”

From there he’s skinning and grinning, complimenting her “Does the free drink come with you? You teasing me ma! You look good. You look as good as a drumstick.”

So, he proceeds to entice her up the street to a secluded spot, where they exchange a few kisses, and finally end with a handjob, where he nearly entices her to lick the tip.

A HANDJOB?!?!?!?!

LICK THE TIP?!?!?!?!?

So, after busting in her hand, the guy takes off his sunglasses and do rag, revealing he’s the geeky guy from earlier. He then tells her she’s been exposed as a shallow, crazy chick who wouldn’t give her number to a nice guy, but will beat off a thug.

Now, I have no idea if the video is authentic or staged.  Nor do I know it’s origin, but I do know it’s real, because I’ve fucking lived it.

I like to think of myself s a pretty nice guy. I have my faults, dear lord do I have faults. But I always try my best to treat those around me with respect, especially women. And no, I’m not always successful, but it’s something I strive for.

And in the past, I have been accused by women I was getting acquainted with that I was “too nice.”

Well excuse me for not asking you to beat me off between the salad and the main course.

I’ve also seen guys, some of them uncouth, some of them downright dirtbags  approach the exact same women, with astounding success.

I’ve even done. I’ve put a couple of drinks in, and set out to just be that dude that I pretty much hate, and before you know it, the women are begging to go home with you.

Really?!?!?!?!

Hmm… after a while, you have to start to believe the trend, and perhaps offer a moment of silence to the nice guy.

Courtesy of: bottledupthoughtsandfeelings.blogspot.com

Courtesy of: bottledupthoughtsandfeelings.blogspot.com

Courtesy of: smartshoes.blogspot.com

Courtesy of: smartshoes.blogspot.com

We may not be the most fashion forward individuals. We may not even be dripping with sex appeal and machismo… but hot damn it, we’ve got charisma, and we’re nice… and nice ain’t half bad.

  • We won’t cheat on you.
  • We won’t hit on your friends behind your back.
  • We will treat you with dignity, honor, and respect, and as an equal, and not a possession or commodity.

I simply think about the women I KNOW and the tales of douchebaggery I’VE HEARD, and it boggles my mind.

And I’m the single one.

Well, that is probably for the best, because tomfoolery and I shall not be bedmates…

SHALL NOT BE BEDMATES!!!

So guys, have you noticed this trend as well?

Ladies, have you found yourself passing up on “nice guys” to date a “bad boy”, or a nice “fixer-upper” of a guy?

Flower of Beauty

I remember singing this song my senior year of high school, which was my only year in choir. It was my fave, partly because of the subtlety and delicate beauty of the piece, and partly because it’s a challenging piece to make sound good..and mostly because of the message of the piece.

I suppose all my life I’ve been something of a romantic. While listening to this song today, I thought back to the time. I was probably 6 or 7, maybe even younger. My dad was asleep In a chair I’m pretty sure. It was late at night, but I couldn’t sleep. My mind was in a whirl, which has come to be a hallmark of my existence. But I woke him up, and I said “Dad, I can’t sleep.” He asked me if I was ok. I said “Dad, I’m in love .”

I was in love with my teacher. Ha! Even in my earliest years I was attracted to older women. I think my dad could see the honesty that rested in my face. He said “yeah? Well, it’s gonna be ok.”

Love…romance..desire, such strange and beautiful yet sometimes horrific concepts.

This song also makes me think of a woman that I know now. I find her fascinating in all the most amazing ways. Actually, since we first met this song has made me think of her. She’s been on my mind a lot as of late.

It often fascinates me what makes one person special to another. It’s quite intriguing when you give it some real thought.

I don’t believe that in life we all have “one true love”. That has always sounded silly to me. I rather think we have multiple. Some big, some small… of course some more significant than others, but I think each can help us learn something about ourselves.

But this particular young lady. Hmm… so intriguing.  It’s not often that someone else makes me feel inferior. She does it easily. So intelligent and talented. I still remember when we met. Prior to the meeting I saw a few pictures of her, and thought “Aww… she’s pretty.” But, when I actually saw her.  Yeah, I had no idea.

The eyes, the smile… the charm… and those lips! Hot damn!!!

So of course, the first thought must be “Well, if you feel so strongly about her, why not tell her.” Well, she has a significant other. Which makes me feel foolish for even harboring such emotions.

But, how do you change what the heart feels?

How do you turn your eye from y0ur flower of beauty?

Sigh.

Just In Case

Keep me around, waiting behind glass
In case you need, I’ll be your piece of ass
Pretend to want me, string me along
Break glass if needed, you can make me crawl

’cause you make me feel like a dog
You can’t see my emotion
Is this for real?
I’m a man sinking deep

I was strung out for such a long, long time
Now I own myself, yes I am mine
No longer will I be your just in case
No longer your shit do I need to taste

’cause you make me feel like a dog
You can’t see my emotion
Is this for real?
I’m a man sinking deep in the ocean

I don’t wanna be your just in case boy
I don’t wanna be your just in case
Oh no ~ as performed by Static-X

In a life once lived, that was my M.O.  The “Just in Case” is very similar to “being on the hook”, which I talked about who knows how long ago.  However, I recently heard the above quoted song by Static-X, and it really got me thinking.  Well, aside from hearing the song, I had an experience.  People whom I confide in, particularly about dating and such, will often comment that “You’re too nice.”

I always try to be a nice guy, and treat others as I would like to be treated, but I suppose that sometimes, in dating, you kind of need to cut the cord, and perhaps disappoint people from time to time.

Case in point: A few weeks back, a female friend asked me if I would accompany her to a wedding.  Now, this is a female friend that I attempted to date in the past, and would date in a hot second now.  Sure, I’ve been the shoulder to whine on, and the voice of reason for the debatable characters which are beneath her…and while I’m good enough for those things, and in the past may have been good enough for a sexual encounter, I’m not good enough for a relationship.

…and as we talked about the wedding, it hit me:

“I’m her just in case”

He’ll be around, just in case the guy I really want to go with isn’t available, just in case my ex won’t play nice with me, just in case I need someone to lament to.

With experience comes altered perspective, and I can freely admit to the shitty person that I once was.  And while I can’t change the past, I can try hard not to repeat the failures of my past in the future…and part of those failures is being someone’s “just in case”…just like being on someone’s hook.

I successfully pulled myself off the hook I was on, and I’ve been very adamant about not being anyone’s sexual just in case.  If I engage in sexual activity with someone, it’s on my terms, or at least mutually agreed upon terms…not lies, or misgivings. So now, I have to be sure not to be someone’s emotional “just in case.”

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

“My Life” in the key of “My Woman Done Left Me!”

Ha, ha…I fooled you.  I don’t have a woman. In fact I haven’t had a woman in….

….hmm…I won’t even conjure that number into reality.  Sometimes, if we don’t see things, if they don’t become physical entities upon themselves, we can pretend that they don’t exist…

…or that they don’t bother us.  For all intents and purposes, my singledom doesn’t bother me.  I’m a firm believer that it’s a simply a consequence of being so incredibly awesome…

…and if I should start to feel down, I quit being sad, and start being awesome.  Where my sadness genes should be, half of them have been replaced by awesome genes.  It’s a fact.

However, we all have those moments, and I think it’s healthy, when you simply take a step back, look around, and say

“Maybe it’s me?”

And that is a completely valid question, and one that we should ask ourselves.  Not just about dating, but about a plethora of life situations.  Work, family…just where you are in life.

Maybe it’s you.  Maybe it’s your fault for where you are…or maybe it’s your fortune.

Am I at the best possible position I could be in at this point in my life?  Probably not, but I’m not in a bad position per se.  I live comfortably, I have a job that I ultimately love, and I can pretty much do all the things that I want to do in life

I am however, pretty over the single life.  I’m at a point where I want to be in a relationship.

I also hate when this topic is on my mind enough that I feel the need to blog about it.

But that’s all good I suppose, all things in due time.

However, I still ask…is it me?

Sure, I have my faults.  Don’t we all?  However, I think I’m a pretty good person overall.  I’m pleasant, educated, great with children, responsible…well, fairly responsible.  I’m aging gracefully and I’m in pretty good shape.  I’m active (some would say too active), and yes, I would like someone with a similar lifestyle which overall seems to be the biggest issue.

Hmm…but, as the summer commences, perhaps this is my season.

My first full year in Chicago in years.  No Alaska, no military…that’s a new beginning if nothing else is.

So, I shall reserve the blues song at least until the end of the summer.  If I’m still single when the leaves start falling from the trees…I may start crooning.

“I got the blues bad.  Got the blues, got the blues…got the blues bad!”  

The aftermath of a one-night stand

So, I’ve found myself thinking over this topic the past few days. Well, allow me to explain…

A few weeks back, I had a one-night stand.
Now, I feel no shame at this revelation. The woman was beautiful, and no money was exchanged, in fact…

…IT WAS AMAZING!!!

It was a perfect example of physical intimacy with someone that you have deep emotional attachment to. It just takes that physical pleasure to another level.

I’ve known the young lady in question for years now. I’m pretty sure I can honestly say that I love her…Or should i say, I’m in love with her. Actually, a few years back we got into this long deep conversation about feelings and I told her the way I felt. I even recounted the moment that I first felt those emotions.

It was the Christmas season. She was home alone sick, so I went by to check on her and lift her spirits a bit. She came to the door in a robe and slippers, looking five shades of pathetic. But I got her smiling and laughing, and as we parted, we hugged and she thanked me, and I thought,

“I am so in love with this woman.” A perfect mix of charm, intelligence and beauty.

Since then we’ve kissed a few times, and as she has lamented one failed relationship after another, I’ve occasionally said “if we were dating, you wouldn’t be having these issues.”

…and so we goes. And suddenly, we slept together. There was alcohol involved. It started out with making out, and then we were on the couch…and then we were in the bedroom…and then she was pushing me back onto the bed…and then…

…bliss…

The next morning I woke up and went to the washroom. When I came out, she was up. I layed down with her and we spooned. We then spooned on the couch after attempting at making espresso, but finding we were slightly hungover.

The cuddling was great. Now, I am a firm believer in addressing the elephant in the room before it pisses on something…

“So wow, we slept together, and I for one thought it was fabulous. Was it ok, or am I going to be a punchline to your friends?

What else is there to say? I’ve never been good at subtlety.

Now this isn’t my first one night stand, nor is it the first time I’ve had sex with a friend. They are not common practices for me at this juncture, but I do have a rather colorful past.

This is however, officially, the first time that the other participant was a complete jerk about the situation.

“It’s just awkward” she said.

Since then, I’ve asked her out to dinner and such, and have been blown off at every twist and turn.

So, this evening I’m going to an event that we were supposed to hang out together at. There’s a possibility that I might see her.

In my mind, we’re not even friends anymore. I can deal with a lot of things, but shady folks is not one of them.

Ultimately, I will chalk this up to an experience had, another lesson learned, and an offered perspective on a situation I’ve never seen before.

My next one night stand is gonna be with a stranger. :-p

….The Saga continues….

…so, let me start by saying that I had a date last week.  I believe it was last Wednesday.  I can’t quite remember the same day.

Also let me say that that is all I really care to say about that.  She was pleasant.  Definitely not my type.  Just seemed kind of…pessimistic.  I also was not the least bit attracted to her.

I did however, totally turn her on to Jamba Juice, which she’d never had before.  She has since texted me to let me know that she’s had it again.

Rock on!  At least someone is being brought together through my endeavors.

So, I have recently started a profile on OkCupid.  I must admit that I like it more than Match.com.  I’m not sure if it’s going to be more “productive” in my social life, but time will tell.

I have however, ventured into other avenues in hopes of meeting people, and such.  A friend mentioned to me that she used a site called meetup.com, which is not a dating site, but rather a site to be out and about with like-minded people, which I often try to do.

So, I went on my first meetup.com outing this past weekend, and it was fabulous.  I went on an Art Walk in Grant Park, which is one of my favorite parts of the city.

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I literally saw things that I didn’t know existed, although I spend tons of time in that area.  Sometimes, we literally need someone to say “Hey! Stop!  Look at this!”  to realize the beauty that is around us, in architecture, art, sculpture, or just natural surroundings.

In the midst of this excursion, I met a really cute young lady.  I didn’t ask her age, but I sensed that she was younger than me…perhaps mid 20’s.  She was Chinese and worked for a company doing educational research, which I found very interesting considering my chosen profession.  We spent the entire walk chatting, and talking over the art we saw.  Afterwards we went with a group to get lunch, and she had to depart early, but I gave her my number, and she said she would call me.

I kind of really hope she calls.

I’m looking forward to the next walk, which will be in another very historic part of the city.  I’m so excited!  I love Chicago history.

Aside from that, life goes on.  I sometimes feel like I’m on a train headed to nowhere in particular…and usually I love the ride, but some moments I just want to stop and get off.

I’ve also been talking credit with my class, and we did some searches for houses.  I saw a place in River City that would cost less than $900 monthly.  Up until this moment, I’ve never had a desire to OWN my own residence.

I hope I haven’t been bitten by the “I want to buy a condo bug”.

God help us all.

On the Dark Side of the Moon…

For a single person, a wedding invite is a precarious situation based on ones outlook on life…particularly on their single life.

What situation will you be in in X months??? will you still be single, or will you have a +1 to accompany you to the big event.

Well that’s exactly what my purchasing tickets to Wine Riot was like.  Would I have a special someone to take to a big 4 hour wine tasting ?  Well, at the time, the event was 4 months away, and I, the eternal optimist, was sure that I would meet someone whom I would love to take with me.  So, I purchased two tickets…on January 25th, at 12:22am.  And life went on…

Come May 2nd, I had totally forgotten the fact that I’d purchased two tickets.  So when I opened up the email, sent months before, and it said “Here are your 2 tickets to Wine Riot,”  it was like a hard smack in the face.

2 tickets???  Here I am…4 months later.  Single….dismally single.  At that cold, hard realization, I didn’t even have the heart to attempt to find someone to take the 2nd ticket.

However, on the bright side, a friend of mine had also purchased a ticket to go to the event, and so we planned to hang together, and to enjoy 250 wines from around the world.

The event was amazing.  I encourage you to go to it if it comes to your city.  I was happy to have a partner to go to the event with.  It definitely lifted my spirits, and made me feel much better about the evening.

And in true fashion, the evening twisted in a direction in which I’d never have imagined, when my tasting partner and I ended up on her couch drunk on wine, and in a torrid make out session…which evolved into much more than making out.  The only word I can use to describe the situation from my perspective is amazing.

My life is so strange.  Unfortunately, the young lady in question, when sober, has little to no romantic interest in me.

In some odd, poetic, paradoxical way, this situation is perfect.  Poetic justice perhaps.